Amazing!

Wow!

I was just reading my previous blogs. Hehehehehehehehe! They are funny! Did you read them? You have to go read them! Honestly! I emailed a friend a few days ago, poured my entire life into the email and guess what happened? He never replied! That's right! Good isn't it?

How you trust people with your life time and again and then you end up hurting yourself?

There was a time when people used to say that friends are all you need in life. You know what?

BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!

Friends are the only things that you don't need in life. Know why? Cause they're never there when you need them. That's why.

Yah I know that some of you out there reading this are going "Wow man, this girl is screwed in the head!"

That's right. I am. There is so much that we find to complain about in the world. Take Pakistan, for example.

The streets are dirty, the people there take bribes, the men stare at the women like there is no tomorrow. But going past all that you began to see the true picture. The children who have to hunt in the garbage to find food for their families and themselves, the mothers who don't eat for three or four days on end because they have to feed their kids.

And look at us. We fast for 7-8 hours and we think that we are going to faint with exhaustion. Yah right!

You know, I don't know if anyone bothers to read these, or if anyone bothers to try to look at the world. My mom's biggest tension right now is the political game taking place on this show called SA RE GA MA PA. It's this indian show where singers compete.

At the same time that we sit cozily in our living rooms watching this show, children in India and Pakistan, known as scavengers, scour the garbage dumps looking for that rotten piece of chicken that someone threw away, or the apple core that we had too much pride to finish.

We watched a movie called "Rang De Basanti" today. My parents walked out of the hall and the first thing my mom did was turn to me and say
"Saleha beta, how did you like the movie?"

The movie? You saw that as a movie?
I don't know man. Maybe the world has begun to see every cry for help being issued as a form of entertainment. Yah, that's probably it.

You know, you guys think I am some kind of fucking idiot, blabbering on about the country and shit. Think about yourselves. I know that ever since I came back from Pakistan all I have seen is pain. What the fuck would anyone know about pain? Pain is the kind of shit you see when you know that your 9 year old son may not come home tonight because he has succumb to starvation and died. That's pain. What the hell is pain?


I went to Milliken to enroll myself in day school a few days ago, and a guidance counsellor gave me a taste of what philosophy is about. He asked me a question.

" If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one to hear it fall, then does it make a noise? "

Good question.

The answer is no. Just as same as that mother who screams until she can't scream anymore because her son is dead of starvation. Does anyone hear her scream? No, they don't. All they hear is the sound of the television, the sound of the subconscious telling them that they have the worst life in the world, the sound of the msic blasting through the speakers at the club.
Do they hear the woman scream? No.
Do they hear the child fall and plea to God to keep his mother safe? No.
Do they hear the tree fall? Does it make a noise?

No.

I have so much more to say but it's all useless because no one is listening. you write to make yourself feel better. At least, that's what some people say. I just feel worse. I feel like the whole world is screwed and I am in the middle of it.

Brain working overtime.
Body not working at all.

That doesn't mean that I am handicapped. I'm not. It means that just like you, I have no choice but to let the world suffer because there is nothing that I can do. Perhaps nothing that anyone can do. It hurts, you know? It really does.

It hurts.

Who knows?

A good friend of mine once said that the best way to let the problem out is to write. Well, here I go.

It's been a long time since I've done this. I should know. So much has happened since I last wrote and I don't understand how, or when, or why. There is a point in life, according to my mom, when a person looks back at their lfe and realizes that this is not the way they want to be going because the life that they see at the end of the road is not the one that they pictured for themselves. You know, the most painful part of what she said is that she is right. I know that for September 4, 2004 to February 2, 2006 have gone to waste. It's like nothing has happened in this time. It is this fact that hurt me so much, because if I had done what they had asked me to do then I would not be where I am right now.

It hurts that I AM ALONE. I know that the only person to contribute to the position I am in right now is me. It is hard to believe that one who has the support of her parents behind her to the death is the one who is dashing their hopes time and again. I don't have any right to do this you know? I feel like the walls are caving in. When I see that expression on my mom's face, the one that says that I have basically ruined her life, again, it's amazing. It's like someone is telling me that so far, after O'Levels, the only reason I am here is to give them pain. I don't mean to do this but somehow it just happens.

I'll explain what happened just in case you aren't following.

I came back from Pakistan in June 2004 with the plan to complete Grade 12 in one semester and be in university by January 2005. That was the plan. As we all know, although, life does not always work out the way you think. I failed in two of my courses, barely passed in the third, and got a pretty good grade in the fourth.

I now had two options. I could either repeat these courses in the same school, or I could go to Pakistan and do them there. Guess which option I took.

The next week found me on a plane to Pakistan with my mom, with the realization in my head that this time I couldn't say that they were the ones who sent me there. So, I go there and, despite all the teachers telling me, again, that the load would be too much, took Physics, Chemistry, and Biology.

I began with tuitions in all the courses and realized that I would have to work very hard to get the grades that I wanted.

After that all I remember is sitting in the exams and realizing as I looked at the papers that I was going to fail. You know what the wierdest thing is though?
When I was giving the exams, and I came out, I believed with all my heart that I had done prety well, in terms of my preparation, you understand.

During my exams, however, another little problem occurred. My mother and her doctors decided that her uterus was giving her too much trouble and had to be removed at that instant.

So, 2 weeks after my exams start, my mother is in the hospital, having surgery and my father is with her, since he decided that she could not bear the pains of surgery herself. The three days that my mother was in the hospital, I could not study. I could not do it. I don't know why, I probably will never find an answer to that question.

During this time, however, I encountered another problem, and that problem's name was Hashaam. He is a very good friend, who decided at the wrong time in my life, that he wanted to propose to me and make my life all that more difficult.

Now you tell me, was there a solid reason for me not studying?

Anyways, even through all this, I kept trying, I believe in the end to the best of my abilities, and then came home.

Today, I have received my grades for A'Level. I have failed in all three.

Wonderful.

I have only one choice now. I must go to high school and repeat the courses and score as high as I possibly can. The biggest problem at the moment however is how to break this news to my father. I was talking to my mom and she said that there is no one now that I have to prove myself to. The only one I have to prove to now is myself.

True or not true?

You tell me.



"I am never alone, I am always with myself."