Enlightenment - October 15th
`Tis not too long ago that a thought struck me a while back that had not before. I`m not sure if it`s just me, or it truly has happened. I suppose I should ask someone who knows me well, however, whomever I ask would most likely either not tell me the truth, or give me a very watered down version of the truth which I so desperately require. I seem to have just realized that I am to turn 23 years old, and I have yet to seem it. Perhaps the reason I feel like such a misfit is because I am, and despite how much that SHOULD bother me, it doesn`t. I don`t mind sometimes acting womanly, and smiling quietly, while doing what is asked of me without any facial expression, but who can accept that as a way of life?
Yes, I accept that growing up is an inevitable process, and as time passes, more is expected of me than ever before, but what is that compared to a happy life? One where, despite going against society, I`m still happy?
I suppose it would be to my credit to listen to my mother and remain reserved around guys, but I can`t be that way! I hate pretending that I don`t want to say hi to my friends, or that I don`t care about them, just because that attitude of mine would impress them!
What is the point of impressing these guys when, for all I know, God has planned my marriage to a gentleman who lives on the other side of the world, has never seen me before, and is taking our impending marriage on complete faith, just as I am? I hate feigning helplessness when it`s only going to make me miserable. What is the point of doing something that is going to make everyone happy, but me miserable? Sooner or later, those feelings will jump ship and land on my parents` shore. Making up the lies required to convince them that I am alright, and that nothing in life will pierce my armor will consume much more than just ignoring people will, and yet my nature rebels against the latter as well.
I pray for enlightenment, for the strength to get through these two years with the same nature I brought into medicine. It is not fair to have to change yourself to fit in. I won`t. I refuse. Accept me this way, or else change yourself. But leave me the hell alone.
Yes, I accept that growing up is an inevitable process, and as time passes, more is expected of me than ever before, but what is that compared to a happy life? One where, despite going against society, I`m still happy?
I suppose it would be to my credit to listen to my mother and remain reserved around guys, but I can`t be that way! I hate pretending that I don`t want to say hi to my friends, or that I don`t care about them, just because that attitude of mine would impress them!
What is the point of impressing these guys when, for all I know, God has planned my marriage to a gentleman who lives on the other side of the world, has never seen me before, and is taking our impending marriage on complete faith, just as I am? I hate feigning helplessness when it`s only going to make me miserable. What is the point of doing something that is going to make everyone happy, but me miserable? Sooner or later, those feelings will jump ship and land on my parents` shore. Making up the lies required to convince them that I am alright, and that nothing in life will pierce my armor will consume much more than just ignoring people will, and yet my nature rebels against the latter as well.
I pray for enlightenment, for the strength to get through these two years with the same nature I brought into medicine. It is not fair to have to change yourself to fit in. I won`t. I refuse. Accept me this way, or else change yourself. But leave me the hell alone.
posted by Truth at 11:07 AM
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