Faded

You would think that after years of struggle, and fighting, and keeping all the bad way, that I would succeed, and not have to bow down to these people. At the end of the day, though, God always reminds you that the game has been, and will always be in His hand. Knowing that should comfort me then. It shouldn't make me nauseous, and annoyed. It shouldn't still allow this feeling to remain, as though everything is going wrong, and the only person right now who can fix it is me. It's impossible to explain this to people who are giving their all to talk some sense into me. I feel as though I want to claw myself out of this bubble I'm in, and grab hold of the first life saver that I can find. The life saver in this case is prayer, which is away from me. I feel like running so far away, that finding me becomes impossible, and a distant memory in the minds of those who perhaps may search. I will become a faded reminder of what once was. A shimmering glow on the horizon, as light fades into darkness, and once again, the soul is blinded, silent, resigned and fated to await the next morning, which may or may not come. The reality of the situation feels so removed, as though I again remain on the fringes , watching quietly, and waiting for the impending explosion to rip away another part of me. It baffles me to realize that I still haven't figured out how to deal with these demons, these past encounters that continue to haunt me, and color all that I know and love. My protection, my arms can only extend so far, after which I sit, used, abused, and incapable of saving those whose cries echo in my ears, and give me cause to contemplate that which is in the eyes of God a crime greater than any other. I pray for strength, understanding, and some semblance of peace. The turmoil raging inside my being could not be so silent as to not strike warning bells inside all those whom see me, and yet they seem to want to wait and watch my next step before moving to do something.

Silence, it seems is the best path. For how long is yet to be decided.