Ostracized . . .

I need to rant and rave. I need to let everything out, and be so rude, inconsiderate, and downright evil, that no one has any other option but to ostracize me. Oh, wait. I`ve already been ostracized, and so completely, that every moment that I spend here is now becoming a physical pain in my chest and head. For the first time in my life, my brain hurts from holding it all in. What have I done? The mistakes I made were mine to suffer with, but why am I being punished from a million different directions? My head feels heavy, tears threaten all the time, and I feel that there is no one I can open up to any longer. I’m going to lose everyone I love, just as those before me who walked on this path did. What a wonderful way to live a life. You believe when you start that the more you give, the more you will receive, but it seems to be more like leeching. You keep giving, and they keep taking , and they have no qualms about what they`re doing. They believe it is their right. I’m asked all the time why I give so much to one who gives me so little in return, but do they not see that the little I receive means so much since I get nothing from anywhere else. I’m able to even fool those whom I thought could see through me despite locking myself behind a steel door. It is wonderful to know that there is no one whom I can turn to, no one who will share, or at least tell me how to shoulder it without killing myself inside. The funny thing is, I know deep inside that there may not be a way out. This is it. I’ve been told to turn to God, and He knows that I have. I apparently lack discipline, to keep at something even though I know it will fail on the beginning attempts. Tell me, how does one learn, or develop discipline? Is it something that comes with practice, or are you just born with it, and if you don`t have it then to hell with you, cause you must be a screw-up, or be royally screwed yourself?!

Indeed, I’m very passionate when I want to be, some sentences I think about when I’m writing, but some of the writing is exceptionally spontaneous, which one would hope is a good thing. Not. All the thoughts come from spontaneity and an extreme amount of anger, which I no longer know how to control. I need my anger level to decrease, some semblance of reign on my out-of bounds existence.

Seems as though I’m done. Good night. I’ve fooled everyone. Congratulations. Live free, now that you`re in an invisible cage. One that you built. Wonderful.