Fuck it ... Ha!

Perhaps I, for the first time in a while, am finally starting to feel better about everything. The future, the present, just, everything. It's been a while. Maybe this is the peace I was asking for, but couldn't be patient enough to wait for. I suppose it's good that what I did to garner that peace did nothing for me. It opened my eyes to my own puniness. I can't stop smiling while writing this, because I was reading the old posts, and the helplessness I talk about is akin to an immature child complaining about not getting their way. I feel as though after a long time I can laugh at myself, and all the depression I feel. I can smile, and feel amusement, and can therefor understand that what I deem to be hopelessness is my own childishness making itself felt with a bang. This is a note to you, madam. The next time you feel that way, come here, and read this, and know that how you feel, or you believe you feel, is insanity, and only a mere shadow of insecurity that you can easily shove a stick up the ass of, and get right back to living. Say fuck you to everyone, and let yourself smile. Ain't no one stopping you, and Papa and Mama are waiting!

Simple Saturday ...

Takes you a long time to realize just how much people are fucking you over, and how much they keep from you, and who’s actually real, and who’s just messing with you. Be yourself, but stay away from people who seem as though they want to help, but choose when they want to do it. It’s only family at the end of the day who won’t stab you in the back. If nothing else, I was at least blessed with family who always wants me to succeed, even at the cost of their own happiness, and perhaps being that way right back for them wouldn’t be such a bad thing. Being strong is not something I haven’t done, but this isn’t about being strong. It’s more about being prudent, and just with those who place you first in their lives. You’ve seen how long people who just enter your lives can put your first. I love my parents. I adore them more than life themselves, and after having them so close, I can give them 7 days. All they ask for is a week. How long will that take? Be theirs, and then see how far God will take you.

“I’ll put you in front of me, so everybody can see my love.”

Thank you for everything you’ve done for me, and everything you continue to do, without ever stopping to think about your own needs, and wants. Thank you for everything. I wish I could give you even a sliver of all the happiness you’ve given me, but perhaps this realization is good enough for now.

Keep praying for me, and keep me going strong. Sometimes I forget why I keep music such a big part of my life. It’s because as long as I have this, I don’t have to hear people, and then I never have to feel left out of a conversation that I truly never wanted to be a part of in the first place. When I don't have my music, I feel as though I should blend in, I should be like them. But when I have my headphones, I'm reminded that being different isn't bad. Being the way I am is something to be happy about. Because I never wanted to be like anyone else. I just want to be me. And the best part of that is that nothing needs to be explained. Regardless of the fact that it is wrong, it keeps me sane, me, well, me. And for now, that’s all I need. To be different. To be me. To be what they don’t understand. What they can’t be. What they won’t ever be able to touch. Me.

Nothing will make me give up who I am. The more confused people are, the more they ridicule me, the more proud I become of what I am. What my parents made me.